Lord,
i find myself trying to quickly close the last chapter of my life. i still find it hard to put words to everything i experienced and the pain i endured for weeks – no, months. crying out, reaching out, wondering where you were in all of this.
but Lord, as i laugh from the depths of my heart these days, i know that i would not have this appreciation and deep, deep joy if it had not been for those sleepless nights and months of tears. even when my role in Your Kingdom feels dormant and useless and fears of wasting opportunities creep into my mind, you show me once again that despite my own measure of sufficiency, you are continuing to use me so long as i surrender myself as a willing vessel. even when i felt most useless, Lord, You show me that there were seeds planted. Lord, You continue to use me as a servant and i am so, so thankful.
Lord, today i cry for the first time in a long while. today’s cry is different from others this year – i cry out of gratitude for You and all that You have done. for picking me up when i was a stubborn child, refusing to let go of the things i held as my treasures, fully knowing it was continuing to hurt me. Lord, i was hurting myself out of stubbornness while crying out to You asking why it hurt so much. Lord, thank you for loving me so much that You give and You take. Lord, i come to You with an apologetic heart. for valuing something above myself and failing to love myself as the daughter You look at with such love.
Lord, how do i deserve such mercy and love? how do i deserve to be known as “sunshine girl” and one with genuine laughs? how do i deserve such joy? how do i deserve to play a part in these peoples’ lives? how do i deserve such freedom?
Lord, people reach out to me about the impact You’ve made on them through me. all i want to do is lift the glory back to You.
all to You.
Lord, use me to do something worthy of reflecting back to You.
selah